Angry angry with my art trying to prove a point to someone one, letting my art speak for itself but its says emotions that are unimportant for when the time comes it can’t help out during a crisis, it can’t save me when I am alone and lost because of life it can’t protect me from my mom and dad it can’t help me win contests it can’t prove a point it can’t do anything it feel useless it can’t protect me from feeling bad, and sometimes the emotions it expresses aren’t true and I can’t make it feel the right feeelins, I can’t make other people feel the right feelings around me and everything is being misintrpetated until anger and competition who is going to win it is a competition and everyone including me has their guard up everyone is trying so hard to be liked but why and by who and for all the wrong reasons, everyone wants to be liked for the wrong reasons and my art is not showing that the chaos the insanity the fakeness as none of these relationships seem to matter anyway, my art is not show howing scarid and frighten Iam in the inside it shows my calmness my sernity during a time of crisis and I want it to show my fear, I want it to be scary but inside I am not scary and I can’t bring my art to scare anyone else but myself, I can’t be sacry frightening I can’t scare anyone not even myself as I lay in the bathroom alone perhaps over reacting to an intruder trying to enter into my life, an intruder who feels things for me and me for him things that I don’t want to feel right now, consequences and situations I currently just wish I wasn’t in. a competition I am constanly playing and I just want it to end because the prize is not worth winning in this solitude the prize means nothing and all I feel is solitude from my mother and father all I feel is alone, and I can’t help feeling anything else, I can’t help feeling this distance from them no matter how many prizes I win or competitions I can beat other people at and it all is just becoming a little pointless, all these power struggles these points that iwas so clear on moments ago, this life that I am living for someone, but for who, myself I don’t know anymore. Not the me Ilike, as I lay in the bathroom afraid of love. I lay alone afraid of loving the wrong person, and my mind won’t let me fail it won’t let me down like my heart does, it won’t let me be wrong, my mind will protect me from all those evil things you say about me when Iam not around, my mind will protect me from your words, because in my heart they hurt to badly for me to hear even for me to know about, in my heart they hurt. Iam in pain right now pain from everyone around as for everyone I am just not good enough and to no one can I justify my reasons, to know one can Imake sense, not even alone to myself in the bathtub, can I justify where I sleep, can I justify what I dream, can I explain what I am looking for as I endless search alone, for an ounce of comfort to shield my sleepy eyes from hurting from feeling so dry, as the water has finally left me and all I feel is air, hard air as even Iam unaware and unsure where it is coming from and why if eel so abanaded lost and confused afraid of comfrontation, afraid of danger afraid. I lay afraid of you in my room in my bathroom, so afraid I am shaking deep down inside, I paint flowers so I don’t have to think really how scarid and uncomfortable I feel my mind protects me like always from you, you hatred your misunderstood words, the feeling of being just not good enough, inadequacy, I feel so inadequate around you, like I can’t make you mean and you are standing so still and the water is gushing all around you and it is spilling some of your emotions like paint around you but I can’t make you move and my water is trying so hard to knock you down, it is trying so hard to sand down your rough edges to make you soft, to take away your hard colors, and release these beautiful oranges and yellows and pinks, but inside you nothing is beautiful and it is all raw raw emotions as even a scratch can cause you to bleed and bleed hard, into nothing on the floor for no one to catch and no one to feel all you bleed is red and not perfectly you bleed in so many places to many and there are to many wounds they can not all be quartarized. I am trying to tell you it is ok, in not so many words with comforthing thoughts and good ideas, I am trying to tell you it is ok, and comfort you with my presence alone, but you since my rejection under your eyes you know you have been a disappointment to me and no matter how hard I try I can’t hide the truth from you that deep down, I hate you too.
I hate you for bring me here, I hate you for being here and most important I hate you for making me feel alone when you are standing right besides me ten feet away, ten miles away I hate you for not needing me, and most importantly I hate you for loving me, when I can’t even love myself and you aremiles away from me, so far away that I can’t even feel your love and therefore I feel abandaed. I hate you for loving me, when it no longer matters and when I no longer can feel it, I hate you for always being grey and never black or white. I hate you for your greyness and never standing on one side of or making a point, for never falling down with the ridgety of circumstance and more importantly I hate you because you are my father and there was never anything I could ever do to make a diffence in that decision, that was chosen from up above, I didn’t choose you you chose me and I hate that with you I will always loose, because you will always need me more. I will be able to get up and walk away from you walk out tease you but I will never need you like you need me, to complete you. I will never feel drawn to you are given to you. I will never feel special to you like you to me. And I will never feel different when you are around, your emotional experiences will never mirror mine no matter how hard I try and you will never never understand that lonely sad depressed feeling that you have made me feel all those times you have chosen to live so far away when Iwas working on endeavors to do nothing but empress you. You will never feel the feelings I want you to feel and in this world today there is nothing I can do to change that.