fustration

I wrote this the on thursday it was a year from when a car accident happen, me and my grandma were togeather,my grandma died, i almost died, Many aunts, uncles my surving grandparents, grandpa, brother, my dad and my stepmom and her kids came to my side. My mom is menatlly ill so despite the three month stay, it was to hard for her, to reach out to me. I had countless surgeries done, i was in the icu for two weeks and then recovering in the hospital for three months. Thursday was a year from the accident, and no one from my family called me, the only person who I talked to all day was my best friend cory, and a a guy who I have been friends with since august. It was a really lonley and hard day for me, sometimes I find writing helps relieve stress, usally I don't show anyone my writting, because it makes me feel weak and vonerable, but lately I have found some courage so here is something i wrote. I was so sad on this day I spontanteously also bought a dog and then lost it in the same day as it ran away when I opened my trunk, I never owned a dog before and i forgot that they sometimes run away.
I am forgotten, I am the one left behind, i am the one mistakenly put into the wrong place. I am the one ashamed out of place in a crowd. I am lonely and then slapped for it. I am like someone who isn't respected, liked, admired or even remembered inpeople's hearts I can be so easly forgtten, can you forget me too. I am not sure I feel like we are all forgotten, even my name isn't remembered. A dog who runs away before it is even named lost alone on the streets i am alone with him next to hima lost dog in this world where only i can hope that strangers will welcome me into their life through their doors, I can only prey that a stranger will see inside of my heart and through the fear of rejection that sets me apart from even fully trying I can only hope that someone can see me more from where i stand can see through my future and my past. They can see my feet caught up in ropes and tied togeather with anexioty . can even this hell have a place where falling is not seen as giving up but giving into everything that my mind despertaly yearns for but things my heart can not accept. Can i fall into chance and take my impulses to the wave of a future a future that is not planned. Can I not plan as I sit imbetween my paper and books philosphical ideas with no middle ground politically outside of the common ground created by insight alone. can i live in this world where patcients is no longer an option but a nessecity to get a through a moment. A moment littered with so much past and so many people. A moment filled with memory as rich as the soil and as flat as a seed, without the water of communication how will I survive, I think to myself with my insides bound togeather with the cloth of fear as i cloke myself in darkness that I become easily lost in the shadows. I sit here forgotten through my own insight, I know it is true, i have become lost even to those i loved, I am viewed as misplaced out of line wrong a mistake. even my heart beating inside my own chest is mine alone to claim as its life or death seems to only effect my own insight.
The distance of the sky seems to seperate me from all those that surround me in the distance, the sky seperates us as time binds us eternally togeather. even this moment that i can barely live through is not mine to claim as it contains the lifes of countless spirits woven into it, fear of longing seems to grab me alone as thoughts and sadness don't seem something that comes from my own heart. My own heart falls heavy to sadness as the lack of connection to eveyon falls heavy in this water that suroounds me, even the rythm of life can not reach my face and touch me it is only light and dark that reach me, so far down I am so far down out of their hearts. I have fallen cloked by tears sitting in water at the bottom of this dry well, all i can do is wait and hope it will change soon.