The unvailing,

Here, is a story about the unvailing I went to, today. it helps me to write about it, to get it all off of my chest. I may not make sense, its only a story from my perspective, and i am aware that saddly there is always more then one side, to everything. but here is my side. I guess this is my voice.
So, I went to the unveiling for my grandma. When I got up I was scared stiff, Marcy called. I thought it was Scott or my grandpa, I haven't talked in Marcy for so long, so I started crying on the phone to her how scared I was, how scared I was about Scott about my life the direction my family is headed in etc. She listened patiently telling me that everything is going to be alright and she will talk to me again soon. I hung up and reluctantly got ready to go, I threw on some clothes threw my hair together, and splashed water on my face, I but on some concealer and blush. I covered myself in the one bottle of perfume of my grandma's that i took, and threw on some boots that she bought me, boots that I have always wanted to have, because i think boots can be sexy with a short skirt, but I wore them under my pants.
I got to the grave and there were already people standing around, as soon as I got there the service started, and I silently cried, i wanted to walk away and ball inside my car but it didn't seem appropriate at the time, so i stood there trying to hold it in, and keep myself somewhat composed, I never took my sunglasses off. My grandpa bent down, the man conducting the service asked him to put the flowers in the vase connected to the marker, I watched him as he struggled crying, the lady next tome said go over to him and I went and sat next to him in front of everyone and hugged him until his sobs stopped, i love you he whispered in my ear, may Mema help us find someway to live together, you are all that I have, my son died, Mema died, your mom is gone, you know that, and its only you, you are my only piece of family I have don't leave me too. he held on to me clutching me, as I hugged him back tightly not saying a word. He eventually managed to put the flowers in the vase, the one's that were dead that i had brought on Thursday and the white ones be had brought today, the living and the dead mixed together, he thought to himself as the very thought brought tears up within him again and he tried to push them down if only to push himself up again, and to rid him of the pressure to be happy that I could feel from everyone's eyes staring intensely at us, and the pats he got on the back. remember the good memories said the rabbi, remember the good. I stood back holding his arm as the ceremony went on. It was over quickly and people began to disperse. I stood still staring at the grave, some people came up to me to share their condolences cry maybe hug, looking for validation that they also feel for my grandma who is lost to all of us now. I managed to stay sweet and to accept everyone who wanted a hug from me who approached, but deep down i wanted to push them all away and sit in a corner alone. finally they all had left and it was just me and my brother standing their, i had told my grandpa he can leave and I would meet him at the house for food later. I stared at Scott, not a single emotion came to his face as he stood quietly seeming inpatient almost, inpatient at what I think, but no real thought comes back to mind. inpatient at me am i doing something wrong. I focus back at the grave and look at her name in the ground, i force myself to look at it, as it memorizes me so i can't move, the one place i never expected her to be was buried, i expected to find her in the mall, shopping, trying on perfume. out gabbing with friends. mindlessly talking ont he phone for hours, writing long pages of letters to herself, offering words of advice and comfort not in the ground. not here. Some one mentioned a few words to me as I stood, and i was on the ground knees bent over and crying sobbing at the grave, I wanted to hold her, so badly and tell her I love her but all i had was the cold stone with her name on it, I cried until i felt my heart give into the atmosphere that everyone else seemed to prepare themselves for, the atmosphere of somber and loss, I looked up half expected my brother to be standing behind me with tears in his eyes ready to leave over and sit next to me, and we could sobb together, both being at the same emotional place at the same time. but instead when i turned around i saw my dad. he was tall, he whispered Suzanne are you ok. I turned back around I am fine. We continued to stay there me sitting and him standing. together, we watched as time moved through us, unsure of what this moment would bring for either of us, it was an awkward moment filled with hidden tensions of expectations between a father and daughter, but despite the tenderness that, that relationship implies there was nothing but a cold feeling of isolation that entered between us. as i sat perfectly still waiting or expected a change in atmosphere by his presence alone. but after nothing happened I got up, and left him there next to the grave to cry.
I drove back to my grandpa's house where the other guest had gathered. Many people greeted me there, stating to know me, know of me or remember me from a brief in counter, no ones face i seemed to recognize even people who I knew deep down I recognized, there was just a part of my brain that seemed unwilling to do the work to find familiarity in a crowd full of people who i never fully knew, just people passing by I thought to myself. I sat next to my brother as he continued chowing down on his bagel. Why didn't you call me i asked, where were you. when he said. The day of the accident it was Thursday and not one family member called me.
He looked back I was busy, I guess everyone else was busy too.
I was deeply hurt by that comment but I didn't know how to reply. Desperately did I want to yell at him, but I held back remembering the patient and kind hearted conversation i had with Marcy, not everyone understands I thought to myself.
I thought people would be sad to remember the day that i almost died, but I guess its comforting to know that if I committed suicide no one would be upset about it, and there would be no hard feeling.
He looked at me and smiled I guess that’s a way you can look at it.
We stood there awkwardly mostly covered by silence and the strange atmosphere of the room, as everyone secretly morning for my grandma, we seemed to be the only two people who still felt deeply tied to her, in death she her presence is still here I thought to myself, for me and Scott she will never go away, as these people will forget the day as soon as they leave this house, we will remember this day as an important day for the rest of our lives. We stood there together longer,
and then we separated as I went to sit in the other room. We came together in the den as he walked in from outside with my grandpa and dad.
Grandpa's selling mom's old house he said. is there anything you want in it, i am going there later to grab some stuff.
I grabbed the spices earlier i said a spice can be 5 dollars a bottle, that was the only thing i took, everything else is to painful to remember, and keep. I want to forget the life she lived in that house, she has lived such a lonely life, she never left that house, but slowly mentally declined.
He looked back at me. but he did not answer.
I am surprised dad came I said.
Why
Deep down I will always feel like dad abanded mom, I said he left her when she needed him the most, he wasn't exactly on good terms with Mema when she died, I am surprised he had the nerve to come. on top of everything he did he also use to make fun of Mema regularly.
He looked up its a term of respect that he came.
respect to who, I thought.
My dad came over, did you get my message Suzanne. My dad had called me on Saturday, to say he was thinking about me, and knew it was a year since the accident. the accident happened on Thursday.
I talked to Cory she said she had to call you and yell at you, and that is the reason you called.
He looked down I didn't have your number it took my awhile to get it.
I didn't answer
He said I am sorry I have not talked to you in so long I will call more often i promise.
I looked back at him, i know you have other priorities don't worry about it.
He looked back down.
Bye Scott he said.
he looked at me I talk to you later
I rolled my eyes at Scott, I can't believe he came I said again.
I am not expecting a phone call, it will probably take another near death experience to hear from him again.
At least he came Scott said.
He came for who I replied I didn't want to see him.
I don't know how you can live at his house, if it was me I would probably of had a psychotic eposide like you did, being around someone all the time who never opens up to you, who never tells you what they are thinking but always has their guard up how do you do it. There was a pause.
My aunt came by seeming excited to see Scott gave him a hug and looked back down at me, hi Suzanne, she then paused well we are going to get some food, its been a while since I have seen your grandpa.
She and her husband walked away i rolled my eyes.
What, Suzanne what are you thinking
I would tell you but then I would only hear a snappy comment back about how i am wrong.
I don't care tell me anyway.
She was mad at me that I didn't call her when i moved into my own place, but she never called me, so she just bruited about it, she told Cory one day when they were talking about me. and then a year anniversary from the accident happened and I didn't even get a phone call from her that says she was thinking about me. If we don't talk about how we really feel towards one another we are never going to clear the air, and we will just continue with this passive aggressive relationship forever, which sadly I seem to have with everyone one.
Not everyone can always be as confrontational as you some people are afraid of becoming an outcast.
Well, once you are an outcast I guess confrontation becomes a lot easier.
He sat back down in his chair seeming more comfortable.
That’s what hobbies are for to get out your feelings that you don't feel comfortable discussing with everyone.
He looks back at me you are so selfish.
I am not I say.
He says, you always want everyone to do for you, to call you to care about you blakdflkjf.
I looked back that’s not what it is, I said I want people to care that I almost died. I want the people I love to know when I am pain to be able to sense it, I want to be in their thoughts, so when I am going through a hard time they can just call and say hey, I know today is hard, this is the day someone you really loved died and you were almost died yourself and I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you today. That’s not being selfish just wanting someone to think about you, its not like I am asking for money or a handout.
Scott sat down and thought about it.
We are all selfish even I am selfish.
How are you selfish?
I get tired, I get hungry.
Thats not selfish
Yes it is
No its not, thats just natural human behavior.
I didn't say selfish is a bad, thing I don't think it’s bad.
I looked at him again, of course you do, if you were to ask anyone is selfishness a negative or positive trait about a person, everyone would say its negative even you would.
He thought about it again.
Maybe you are using the wrong word I said.
He thought longer, maybe I mean the word self-interest.
Why do you feel self-interest is negative.
The conversation ended as a friend of my grandma's came and sat down next to us.
How are you she asked?
And we began a petty conversation about rabbi's and synagogues and other non-important thing to stuff the atmosphere with a false feeling of friendship and loyalty and commitment, despite the fact that none of these traits seemed to be important in order to carry on the conversation, during the after party to my grandma's unveiling. It became mundane outside of my comfort zone as I could feel the heaviness from the feelings I had from before while talking to Scott.
I get up to grab a coffee, walk across my aunt who apparently is fully engaged in a new conversation with someone else, and grab my coffee.
I go to sit back and find more people have entered the conversation with my brother, I sit thinking about pulling him aside at least to give him a hug and tell him I love him, but the awkwardness of family seems to get in the way of ever displaying real sentiment between us, as the pain of my grandma and the loss of someone else close feels impossible to bare, its easier to feel distant right now I thought to myself, its easier to pretend we are just not family right not then to feel the burden of loss.
I get up and excuse myself, I say goodbye to my grandpa, who desperately wants to see me again, i tell him to call, and to throw out what ever is mine in my mom's house even the paintings there is nothing in their that I want to keep.
I find Scott again, give him a hug and make sure that my name pops up on his phone when I call, I walk away at least I know he knows my name. I thought to myself at least when I call, he will remember he has an older sister. I walk away avoid awkward hugs, I don't say goodbye to anyone else, and I walk out of the party, get into the car and drive home.